The Office, Dunder Mifflin Paper Company
Memorable Quotes from "The Office" (2005) Michael Scott: It's simply beyond words. It's incalcucable. Michael Scott: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace. [during a "Diversity Day" exercise] Dwight Schrute: Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan. Pam Beesley: That's nice, Dwight. Dwight Schrute: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick. Pam Beesley: OK, I like your food. Dwight Schrute: Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate! Michael Scott: Pam, come on, "I like your food" no come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Bam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real. Pam Beesley: OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that i do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver. Dwight Schrute: [shocked] Aw man, am I a woman? [during a "Diversity Day" exercise; Angela is wearing a sign on her forehead that says "Jamaican."] Kevin: Hey. Angela: Hey. Kevin: You wanna go to the beach? Angela: Sure. Kevin: You wanna get high? Angela: No. Kevin: I think you do, mon. [Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk] Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ. Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis. Jim Halpert: Sounds Tough. Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony. Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake? Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection. Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago. Michael Scott: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. The *people*. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no ,no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr Scott, will you be the Godfather to my child?" Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked. Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third. Michael Scott: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don't tell them. Pam Beesley: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might [pauses] Pam Beesley: Its just, I don't think its many girls dream to be a receptionist. Dwight Schrute: Damnit, he put my stapler in jello again. [Points to Michael] Dwight Schrute: You can be a witness to this. Jim Halpert: [eating jello] How do you know it was me? Michael Scott: You'll notice, I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, "too soon" for Arabs, maybe next year. You know, the ball's in their court. Michael Scott: This, is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outa here. Mr. Brown: Now this is a simple acronym: H.E.R.O. At Diversity, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are: Honesty, Empathy, Respect, and Open-mindedness. Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero. Mr. Brown: Okay well, what is a hero to you? Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, and must be avenged. Mr. Brown: Uh, okay, you're thinking of a superhero. Dwight Schrute: [running into work after discovering it really was a Friday] I'm here! It's okay! Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican. Michael Scott: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? Michael Scott: I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations. Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead. Pam Beesley: There's nothing new. Michael Scott: That's not what you said earlier. Pam Beesley: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before? Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist. Jan Levinson-Gould: Some times a manager - like yourself - has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time. Michael Scott: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that? Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now, to you. Jim Halpert: Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's... did you see it? Pam Beesley: No, I have a life. Jim Halpert: Interesting, what's that like? Pam Beesley: You should try it some time. Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? Michael Scott: Uh, none: you're picking a healthcare plan. Dwight Schrute: Please knock, this is an office. Jim Halpert: It [pointing to sign] Jim Halpert: says "work space". Dwight Schrute: Same thing. Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "work space"? Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol? Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it. Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand? Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan. Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately. Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim? Jan Levinson-Gould: No. Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted Penis. Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Cause if you do, I want that covered. Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy. Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina. Michael Scott: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Styles. Michael Scott: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself. Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Pam Beesley: I'm just saying Roy is very competitive and he wants to take the waverunners to the lake this Saturday, so... Jim Halpert: Well I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along. Pam Beesley: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake. Jim Halpert: I think I'll see you at the mall... yeah. Michael Scott: [trying to motivate an employee for the basketball game] You'll be like the dwarf that follows the wizard to the end of the earth in... uh... Lord of the Rings! Dwight Schrute: Gimli. Michael Scott: ...NERD. THAT's why you're not on the team. Michael Scott: I know 'grumble grumble', but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumblin' all the way. Like that uh dwarf from "Lord of the Rings". Dwight Schrute: Gimli. Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team. Dwight Schrute: Just tryin' to be helpful. Michael Scott: Oh ul, I'll ul. Dragon Slayer. Ten point power sword. Jim Halpert: That's him. Michael Scott: I need something personal... like an illness. Dwight Schrute: Well, she had a hysterectomy. Michael Scott: Which one is that again? Dwight Schrute: That's when they remove the uterus -... Michael Scott: No! Dwight! God... Dwight Schrute: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because [picks up water bottle] Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work. Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me... for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. [Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches] Oscar: I can play, if you need any help. Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box. Michael Scott: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean who's gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts? Jim Halpert: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This Guy! Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds. Michael Scott: Literally two seconds? Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family. Dwight Schrute: [Diversity Day exercise; Dwight has a card on his head that says "Asian"] ... lots of cultures eat rice, that doesn't help me. Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy. Jim Halpert: Stanley, just played Dunderball with Toby. What about you? You got any games? Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college. Jim Halpert: Fair enough. Jim Halpert: This scented candle which I found in the men's bathroom represents the eternal... burning of competition. Or something. Kevin: It smells like cookies. Jim Halpert: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Pam Beesley: [about the office awards the Dundees] You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. Dwight Schrute: Question, is there fire wood on the island? Jim Halpert: I guess. Dwight Schrute: Then I would bring an ax, no books. Jim Halpert: It has to be a book Dwight. Dwight Schrute: Fine, Physician's Desk Reference... Jim Halpert: Nine, smart. Dwight Schrute: ...hollowed out, inside-waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash? Dwight Schrute: [to the tune of "We Didn't Start The Fire"] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! Dwight Schrute: So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell and I will see you there. Burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision? Ryan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First new message: Michael Scott: Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein. Ryan's Voicemail: Next message: Michael Scott: Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad. Pam Beesley: [trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Hey, did you watch The Apprentice last night? Jim Halpert: Yeah, I can't believe who they kicked out! Pam Beesley: Oh, I know! Dwight Schrute: Damn it! I missed it! I was out drinking with my Laser Tage Team, I can't believe I did that! I never go out on Thursday nights. [looks down shaking his head] Jim Halpert: [raises hands in the air whispering] Yes! Jim Halpert: Dwight thinks it's Friday so that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon. Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you. Michael Scott: Oh, yeah! [scoffs] Michael Scott: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass. Jim Halpert: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls? Dwight Schrute: What belt are they? Jim Halpert: The Albany branch is working right through lunch, to prevent downsizing. But, Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour, so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. Jim Halpert: It's true, I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. Jim Halpert: So, three ingredients for a great party. Jim Halpert: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [takes a deep breath, shakes head] Jim Halpert: He is very real. [sighs] Michael Scott: [just arrived at party, uninvited, and notices I.T. guy, who wears a turban] Aw, come on! That guy? [pauses, looks at camera] Michael Scott: He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Pam Beesley: I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her. Michael Scott: I hope nobody takes this baby cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful. Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt. Michael Scott: Sssssssucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it! Reverse psychology! Michael Scott: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm. Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't. [smiles] Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas. Kevin: I want the footbath. Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. Maybe I should've taken the iPod. Oh, shoot! Michael Scott: Christmas is awesome. First of all you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no-one can say anything. Third you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time. Dwight Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on. Phyllis: [at the Christmas party] Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance? Kevin: [introducing himself to Bob] Kevin Malone. Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration. Stanley: Stanley Hudson. Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration. Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard. Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration. Ryan Howard: [Kevin, Stanley, and Ryan all smile to themselves] What line of work are you in, Bob? Michael Scott: That is a perfectly good mini Christmas tree. We are going to sell that to charity because that is what Christmas is all about. Michael Scott: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame! Ryan Howard: [sees Todd's License plate is WLHUNG] You a big William Hung fan? Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that? Michael Scott: I see the sales department as a furnace. Phyllis: A furnace? Jim Halpert: How old is this ship? Pam Beesley: How about the anchor? Phyllis: What does the furnace do? Michael Scott: Let's not get hung up about the furnace, it's just I see the sales department are down there, they are in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands. Jim Halpert: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right? Michael Scott: Titanic. Pam Beesley: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October." Jim Halpert: Michael stands in front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck. Kevin: Well what is your type? Jim Halpert: ...Moms, primarily. Yup. Soccer moms. Single Moms. Nascar Moms. Any type of Mom. Kevin: Stay away from my mom... Jim Halpert: Too late, Kev. Michael Scott: [holds up his injured foot, which is wrapped in plastic] What does this look like to you? Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc.